There are so many hard things about being a parent. Some, you’re at least somewhat prepared for going in, like the sleepless nights and the tantrums. But others, no one warns you about at all. On Reddit, one mom is sharing a struggle she never saw coming: Being her kids’ “safe” person, and the unexpected struggle that has come with that.
“My kids are angels for everyone else, ANGELS. Constant talk of how great they are, model students, straight A’s. Literally everyone loves them,” she wrote. “My kids are demons for me. This morning my oldest was screaming yelling. I’m constantly dealing with temper tantrums. Everything I say is apparently up for negotiation. Everyone gets so much more respect than me, but if you ask my kids they love me the most.??.. My oldest even said after a day where the guidance counselor spoke with the class ‘I would never need to see her, you’re like a guidance counselor for me.’”
The mom continued, “When I complain about this to close friends I am told ‘you are their safe person.’ COOL. So because I’m the ‘safe one’ everyone gets the best versions of my kids and I get the worse. It’s inching closer to time for me to pick them up from school and I’m dreading it. I just want to cry. I am miserable, but I’m glad they feel so safe and comfortable with me I guess??”
She wrote at the end of her post, “This sucks. I genuinely understand moms who run away at this point.”
Ugh, this poor mama. You can just feel her frustration in every word. Luckily, the moms of Reddit rallied around her with support and advice.
“Now is the time to set down the line between ‘safe person’ and ‘personal punching bag’. I refused to be screamed at by anyone especially someone who I’m responsible for turning into a functional adult,” the top-voted comment says. “To your children (you didn’t mention ages but this is pretty universal): ‘I understand what you’re feeling is real and valid to you but that does not excuse you (insert negative behavior). You can talk to me about it when you calm down’ and then disengage. If the behavior continues You repeat the validation and add ‘if you continue (undesirable behavior) you’ll have to go to your room to cool off, you are allowed to have emotions, you are not allowed to take them out on others.’ The final step is keeping your word and sending them to their room to gather themselves and then trying to figure out why it got there once the kid cools off.”
That’s great advice. Others just offered a listening ear.
“I took a break yesterday because weirdly I wasn’t willing to make lunch for someone who was throwing legos around while sobbing and screaming,” one mom wrote. “We talk a lot about how mommy will not be so grumpy if she is not screamed at. It does not make me feel good. I think I’ll be repeating that well into her 30s. I need a f*cking vacation.”
Another mom added, “Finally another mom that said it out loud! I’ve tried to phrase this to people in the nicest way possible when my kids were small. They were literal angels for everyone but me. But when asked who they love the most it’s ME!”
And this mom seems to have really hit the nail on the head: “They need to know they’re safe from not being loved by you due to their actions, not that they’re safe from experiencing consequences from you.”
This is a tough situation, because kids need a safe space in the world. But so do moms. Finding that balance can be tough, as this mom’s scenario demonstrates all too well.
